Fear of God/ Love of God

I have recently been reading, at the suggestion of the amazing Jo Peters, the book 'Closer Still' by Scott Evans (an Irish lad). Seeing as I am actually blogging about it, I think it is the one book that has resulted in this much of a reaction, as it drives this much of a knife through my life and experience of myself, Church, Evangelical Christianity and even God Himself.

Firstly, I imagine that if I, or Andy, wrote a Christian book together this would look a little like it (though ours would have genius parables and metaphors from Andy, and a lot more scriptural quotations [and some non-scripture ones] from me]

Secondly, he has taken some stuff further than Andy and I in our discussions.

Thirdly, there's stuff in there that's blah. One might think 'how good can a book by a guy who gets most of his theology and inspiration from Rob Bell be?' But remember, up until 'Love Wins' Rob Bell was actually cool and said SOME good stuff.

But, up to chapter 6, these two things have caught my attention un-waveringly (I like using wave as much as possible)

I posted this on FB on Tues."God, Jesus and the Spirit are sitting by the fire worrying about their sons/brothers who have gone astray and are doing all sorts, they worry about their hearts and what state they will be in when they come home from all their 'fun'. They also worry about the other brothers who are so busy trying to earn their place beside the fire that they are not taking it. "Unable to passively watch, they concoct a plan that only a mad God could come up with, for the eldest Son to pursue His brothers and loose the chains that bind them to every place other than home." from 'Closer Still'.

This is true... God is INSANE, only He would come up with a mad plan like this... I oft' wonder why? For example, He is God, and can do anything, so why not wave (see, wave again) sin gone? But He didn't, He sent Jesus and on that cross He poured out waves of God's mercy, love, forgiveness, acceptance and grace.
Wowzers...

Then after that I posted (on Thurs.) this
""... it has been so hard for me to see (God) as (anything) more than angry, petty and rules-obsessed... (He watched my life) ready to strike when I stepped out of line or broke one of His ridiculous rules." -Scott Evans (my brackets)

I just wonder how similar my experience of God is like this... "The biggest battle of my Christian life has been feeling at home with God." -Evans.

Sure, I think of

 Him as a friend, but a Father, the closest person to me... I think I experience the top than the reality of what God is like. How much am I held back in my relationship with God because of some of the things the Church teaches about Him.

"God is love" 1 John 4:9 and "perfect love casts out fear." 1 John 4:18"

Now, I'm not saying that I only see God this way, but I am so legalistic (I'm not ridiculously legalistic but I am possibly stupidly legalistic)... I see God's law as being so important 'cos if we break it we will be in doodoo, and we don't want Him to be mad with us... He is God, all-powerful.

I am wondering if my legalism, and biblicalism, are, instead of being a solid grounding in the Bible's case, being an anchor. Am I not Spirit-led to the extent I could be, and God designed me to be, because of these things? How do I let the Spirit take over more? Especially in order for it not to be reactionary and then I do mad things like bark in Church

(imagine it... would never happen)

but it could, and it shouldn't.

At the same time Evans tells this amazing story about a guy named only as Philip. He found a girl, fell in love and planned to settle down. Two weeks before their wedding she died of cancer. I cannot imagine that pain... Sometime later Philip was talking to God and asked "What's the big deal? What's with all the rules? Why do you hate sin so much?"

God replied, "Philip, why do you hate cancer so much?"

"Because cancer stole from me the person I love most."

"Well, that's why I hate sin." God said.

If God hates sin but loves rules John 3:16 starts "For God so loved all rules that..." It doesn't go that way though, it goes "For God so loved the world..." "For God so loved Wavey*..." "For God so loved David Cowpar*..." (I have actual tears)

* I can't believe I'm going to tell you this... The reason I have so taken to the nickname Wavey, making it such a huge part of my life and identity is because I think of David Cowpar as a lot more sinful and less godly than Wavey. Wavey knows God more than David Cowpar, love Him more and follows Him more closely. So to think "God so loved David Cowpar that He sent Jesus, that if David believes in Him, he would not perish but have everlasting life," is so much more unbelievable than I can handle. (I promise I am not schizophrenic)

Anyways, no more fearing God, and my place at His table; which He has set, despite the fact I deserve to be left out in the cold. Praise God for His love and grace :) He has journeyed to rescue me, He gave up everything to save me from sin (my destruction of myself). That's my God!